Alternative G&S Lyrics

There are a few songs, usually of the patter variety, to which it has become traditional to change or update the lyrics. Here are some rewritten patter songs from shows gone by.

The Mikado 1989: 'As Some Day It May Happen' (I've Got A Little List)

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list;
I've got a little list
Of society offenders who may well be underground
And who never would be missed;
They never would be missed.
There's the real ale fanatic whose knowledge tends to bore,
And macho disco wall-flowers who never take the floor.
All people who eat garlic bread and breathe it in your face.
The jolly charismatics when the dance about the place.
The hang 'em flog 'em Tories and the raving socialist,
They'd none of them be missed;
They'd none of them be missed.

There's Miss Minogue from "Neighbours" and the entire "Eastenders" cast,
Oh, and the computer scientist,
I've got him on the list.
And those who own the tabloids but who with the news are last,
I've got 'em on the list;
I've got 'em on the list.
The loads-a-money yobbos when they flash about their wads;
All those who went to public school and other yuppie… people.
The camera-swinging foreigners who block the streets of York,
And Irish chat-show comperes with excruciating talk.
And stage directors who on criticising you insist
I don't think she'd be missed-
I'm sure she'd not be missed.

There's the rabid student union hack and lecturerers who strike
And some biologists.
I've got them on the list.
And that punctilious librarian who always rides her bike,
I don't think she'd be missed;
I don't think she'd be missed.
All Kevins, Barrys, Ashleys, Garrys who beat me to the bar.
All Tracys, Cazzes, Julies, Shazzes who'll only go so far.
And those dreadful pseudo-trendies who buy their clothes t "Next"
And chauvinists of every kind who think they're under-sexed.
But anyway I think by now you must have got the gist-
They'd none of them be missed;
They'd none of them be missed.

The Pirates Of Penzance (year unknown): "I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General"

In fact I am the model of a cyber Major-General,
I've Information Masters covering everything that's digital,
I do all presentations using Bill Gates' favourite Powerpoint,
And wordprocess my notes so secretaries I need not appoint,
I've PCs, modems, faxes, mobile phones in all my rooms at home,
I surf the net, send emails and with cyber friends I'm not alone,
But although I've got the best hardward of all my friends it's not that fair,
'Cause all I really use it for it playing hours of solitaire.

So maybe I'll discard it now go back to paper pens and all,
Take back my faxes, phones and with my monitor I'll play football,
In short, of matters technical, computerized and digital there'll almost certainly be no more cyber Major-General.

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